Just given the fact that it IS the past is reason enough to believe that it isn’t nurturing you, comforting you, or supporting you anymore in the way that you need.
I know these things to be true. That we can only move forward, and there’s really no point in trying to move back. I don’t want to move backward — for me, moving backward would mean moving out of the truth in my heart, moving away from being true to myself and my path. It would mean the cold and drowsy stability that kept me hostage for enough years, and it is not for me.
But moving forward can be scary. I’m currently reading the classic tale, “The Mists of Avalon,” and in it the character Morgaine keeps saying, “Be careful what you pray for, as you might just receive it.” Just as she warns in this old, mystical tale, so I hear her words repeated in my head as I am happy to be moving forward — I just seem to be moving at a pace that seems so quick compared to the dull and stagnant pain of the past.
This week, I entered a situation which put one of my feet back into my “old” life — the life I lead before I stepped on my path to truth. One of truths about moving forward, for me, is that I’ve been asked to let go of things at an increased rate. One of those things are the animal companions I’ve had for ten years. For a myriad of reasons that I will not debate here, I have turned over primary care to the hands of my ex, who can provide them a place of comfort and stability than I at this point. While he has been away on vacation, I have stayed at my old place of residence to care after my furry friends.
I love being with these animals and taking care of them once again. Yet I find myself in an pattern that is all too familiar of my old life, and it’s as if I see an old shadow of myself against the walls of this house. Indeed, it is like I stepped one foot back into my old life. I can see the comfort that was created in those old patterns, and how those comforts like quicksand acted to keep me there for so long. I move around in this space where I dwelt for so long, falling back into old routines in a space that was mine but isn’t anymore. This isn’t my space anymore, and the familiarity is haunting. And the house I rent, however nice it is, is not mine either. I realized two things — that I’m ready to create my own space and that yes, I deserve to have it.
Instead of being drain back into old patterns, I have been motivated to move forward and create new ones. As my energy shifted into creation mode, the Universe quickly laid into my hands what must have already been mine. Receiving what I ask for again and again has quickly knocked down any barrier I had about deserving those things. This week, I realized again that I DO deserve to succeed and that I am worthy of Divine grace, acceptance and aid.
As I came to those realizations, I made plans to move forward, and the Universe answered. In about a month, I am moving away from San Diego and into the lush, dripping greenery of Seattle. I have a job interview next week. I have word from my family to help me move. I have a lover who is waiting for me. I am ready to create my own, new reality based on my spiritual path of being true to myself and to Universal guidance.
It’s not always easy, moving forward so quickly. I do not want to go back in any way, shape or form, it’s just that moving forward takes courage, faith and acceptance in order to work and sometimes I find myself having a human experience and feeling afraid. But that’s okay, too, I suppose. I am so lucky to have the support of others following their paths to their truths, and one of my close friends and supporters said to me, “All you can do is move forward with grace.”